Before, I often asked this, “Have you ever lost people dearest to you? Well, I do. They’ve gone forever….” Me, when saying those, with eyes filled tears.
Some people said that, “time will heal everything.” That you’ll forget it. Well, I guess I just proved that they were wrong.
It’s been almost 13 years ago that I’ve lost my brother to a car accident and 12 years ago that I’ve also lost my father due to his sudden sickness. But the pain from that very day, never left my heart.
Every time I remember them, tears almost falls from my eyes. How hard it is for me, afterwards. Those memories keep coming back in my mind just like a flashback slides. You know the scene from movies, where someone regain their memories back, right?
The fact that I couldn’t see them, heard their voice, or felt their presence were not the main reason for me to be in this state. Because I believe that, it was their destiny, my destiny to living a life without them anymore.
It is God’s decision, and I had no rights to against it. I believe that everything that happened in this world, is for the best. And God, knows what is best for me.
But, the fact that I couldn’t give them my best, made my heartache. I guess, this is what they calls “regret.” But, there is no point to regret. I just had to move on, afterwards.
I hardly miss them during my hard day, but I do miss them during my happy day. Cos there is always this thought, “I wish you are here to share this happiness with me,” or “if only I could made you two be more happy than I already did when you’re alive.”
Although I hate the word “if,” I can’t resist myself using it for this kind of matters. what if…
I guess, they should say that, “time will heal the wound, but never erase the memories causes the wound.”
Now, I want to asked again, “Have you ever lost people dearest to you? Well, I do. They’ve gone forever… but their memories last forever.” Me, when saying those, with smile on my face.
Below is a little feeling I had on that very day…
Bulir-bulir air mata tiba-tiba turun ke pipiku
Ketika mas tono datang menjemputku
Seribu tanya bermain di kepalaku
Berbagai perasaan berkecamuk dihatiku
Secepat kilat aku ambil langkah seribu
Pergi dari SMU ke RSU
Kulihat “dia” di sana
Terbaring lemah tak berdaya
Dengan alat-alat ditubuhnya
Dan noda merah di selimutnya
Hambamu ini tak kuasa
Menahan derasnya air mata
Membayangkan Kau mengambilnya
Kuhapus air mata
Dan kusentuh “dia”
“a” ini melly dateng “a”
Ya ALLAH…”dia” meneteskan air mata
Membuatku tak berdaya
Setelah aku berkata
“kau harus sembuh “a”
Jatuh lagi air matanya
Perawat berhenti memompa napasnya
Dokter menekan kuat-kuat dadanya
Sekali… dua kali… tiga kali…
Kakakku telah pergi
Dihadapan jasadnya yang kaku
Mencoba percaya kejadian itu
Sekali… dua kali… tiga kali…
Sembari berteriak dengan nada tinggi
“a bangun!! a bangun!! a bangun!! a bangun!!”
Berharap “dia” bangun kembali
Seperti film yang kulihat di TV
Menjauhkanku dari jasadnya yang kaku
Membisikkan firman-firman-Mu ditelingaku
Mengingatkanku akan diri-Mu
Tubuhku lemas tak berdaya
Hatiku perih teriris duka
Air mata mengalir dengan derasnya
Aku kehilangan kaka tercinta
Walaupun sesak rasanya di dada
Kuiringi “dia” dengan doa
Berharap Kau menerimanya di sana
mengampuni segala dosanya